The two strongest negative feelings we as humans have are of anger and betrayal. I hated these and so chose to not feel them and in the process cut out all emotions from my mind. There was no other way. And so I never loved. For a long long time. Not even once. To open my heart to love meant to open it to anger, hate and jealousy also. So I built a wall around it and left it there. But my heart, it wished to be alive.

Wishing For a Heart

I’m cold. Shivering.
Wishing for a heart.
Wishing that with all that I’ve given, that I could give some more.
Wishing for once that I would not think.
That for once this blade that cut me would make me bleed.
This skin that was red and white that trembled and burned, yet never bled.
Wishing the fragrance in my hair that was stolen be stolen again.
Like felines one agile the other powerful, predators on the prowl,
Wishing that they might be prey to one another again.
Silent; this cold heart, yet it screams.
This mind, unthinking, yet calculating.
What trap have I set for myself?
That the more I free myself, the deeper it ensnares me.
And still…..I wish.
For a heart.

--------Megha(October 2005)

When I say "wishing for a heart" I don't mean for another persons love, but rather I wish to have a heart myself. Hope it makes sense.