This, once again was on my old blog on yahoo:

"Gratitude"

The sweetest thing anyone ever said to me was,”Be careful. You are a nice person and I don’t want to see you get hurt.” (And no, he wasn't drunk; at least not yet.)

Sitting here, alone in my apartment, jazz streaming through my windows from the club situated a block away, I wonder. In a society where almost every lavish word feels hollow and is usually just payback for assistance rendered what does it take to earn such a complement? Something so sincere and pure and without expectation. So giving in its nature. It touched me.

Someone thinks I’m nice. I am flattered.

NO. no.

I’m grateful

Grateful, that in your company I've learned much; that you chose to share your joys and sorrows and were more than willing to listen to mine; and that indeed though we might be people of few words, that we still understand. For all your help, I’m grateful.

And yes, for the priceless advice you have always given me; dear friend like the one above, I shall forever be grateful.

----------Megha
I'm happy today because I have a friend

Well that was two and a half years ago. And that friend (when he wasn't getting on my nerves) taught me a lot more since then. Then he graduated and got his PhD, then he did an awesome job teaching an O Chem class. In the meanwhile he got a postdoc...and today he left. We hugged, I cried. I usually don't cry at goodbyes. He means that much (inspite of being irritating :-))

My overworked head has too many words in it. And playing with words has kept me occupied through many a boring times. Funnily the only time I ever get bored is if I have to talk.
Any way so I came up with some thing...I feel like it's still incomplete, but I started it 2 weeks ago and 4 lines in, I had nothing more to say. Today I stumbled over those lines in my forgotten notes somewhere and added a few more lines...and I don't think I'm done. Yet I'm done with it for now.
That's why I'm calling it infinity, because I'm not sure which verse it should start with and where it should end..and if it should end at all

Here goes:

Infinity

Am I trapped in the whims of the stars?
Between thin lines on palms am I?
A child of the earth born to live
Bound by dates and numbers,
Mere mortal am I?
Timeless life has no time for me then?
What meaning has it for my troubles or joys?

In deep waters,
What storm will brew
If this droplet seeks
Becomes a cloud?
The sea will come and go in waves.
And with its ebbs and flows,
We add some and we take some
Or we think we do
And still it remains as is, as was
And as ever will be.

If I was born
Out of eternity
Then was I ever really born?
And when was it that I lived?
Before or after infinity?
And when I was
An animal perhaps...where then were
The lines on my palms?
And when the stars
Were not born yet
Whose whims made my destiny?
What makes me...me
If I am or if I ever was?
---Megha (03/20/08)

Gazals

I LOVE gazals. The first time I was really intrigued by a gazal was when I heard Jagjit Singh sing "Kal chaudhavin ki raat thi". I was struck by the sheer helplessness of the writer with respect to the beauty of his beloved. Of course what followed was listening to my dad's collection of tapes by the usual Gulam Ali and Mehdi Hassan.
Sung in the more popular style with a chorus that is repeated after every couplet to keep the audience going and the couplets sung a tad faster than normal and the language tended to be more hindi than urdu.

Then one day my father put on a CD that I think he bought. The artiste was Begum Akhtar. I was stunned. What was she doing? She hardly had a chorus to repeat and wait she took her time with the verses. She knew her power lay in the delivery of the essential couplet and she NEVER rushed through. What drew me in further was that I couldn't understand a lot of the language she used.
Urdu sounds sooooo beautiful, especially when you don't understand it. Makes you want to say words like, uzr, ibtela or ahzaan.

Anyway so finally a few days ago I decided that it was time I understood 100% of what the Begum was trying to say to me. One of my favourite gazals sung by her is called "Unki berukhi mein bhi" . So I hit the urdu-english dictionary to figure what was going on. Heres what I found

उनकी बेरुखी में भी-(Ameer)

उन कि बेरुखी में भी, इल्तेफात शामिल है
आज कल मेरी हालत, देखने के काबिल है

Even in his indifference, there is mercy (Iltefaat actually also means kindness and friendship, so I'm not sure but I think the word mercy fits best here)
My situation these days is worth seeing

क़त्ल हो तो मेरा सा, मौत हो तो मेरी सी
मेरे सोग्वारों में, आज मीरा कातिल है

If one were to be murdered it should be like me, if one should die it should be like me
For amongst my mourners sits my murderer

मुज्तिर्ब हैं मौजें क्यूं, उठ रहे हैं तूफ़ान क्यों
क्या किसी सफीनी को, आरजू -- ऐ - साहिल है

Why are the waves (ecstasy) impatient? Why are storms brewing?
Is there a boat out there that desires the shore?

सिर्फ़ राह्ज़ंही से, क्यूँ अमीर * शिकवा हो
मंजिलों की राहों में राह्बर भी शामिल है

Why is Ameer- (the poet) complaining about the robbery during his travels
When in the routes to the destination the guide is also involved?

If you get a chance listen to it here

PS : This stuff doesn't translate very well into english
PPS: WTF do all my "इ's" appear after the consonant they are supposed to be attached to.

I had this on my old blog. I can't believe I didn't put it up here. I had been in the US for about 5 months when I wrote this. Not homesick, but as a daddy's girl, I had just realized how much I loved my mom. As I flew out of the nest, I never once looked back. Didn't see her anxious face. But many months later, this little ode came quite naturally.

Sleep Content

-----For my mother-----

These starry nights, are they the same that shine at home.
Tell me they twinkle the same and sing the same lullaby I hear each night.
Tell me Ma, it is the sweet music you whisper to them that rocks me in its soft melody.
Gently each night as I look up at this space and ask the Moon of its travels that day,
It tells me it has seen the place where I was born
And that it knows of the people I love
Tell me Ma that someday soon,
I will gaze at these same stars
And hear that old lullaby
My head in your lap
As I sleeep content
After many a dreamless night
--------Megha (02/05/06)

The stuff of dreams

I used to dream that I was flying. I'd take off down the secluded street that started at the end of the driveway of the house that I associate with my childhood. I could fly only as long as I believed in it and if there was even a sliver of doubt, I'd fall and break a few bones. Also for some reason I believed that I could only fly if I was a kid, the day I grew up, I would lose that power. So I kept trying to practice flying..in my dreams. Soaring above the trees feeling the high of laving gravity behind and occasionally being skeptical about flying and (hence) dropping from the sky but the trees underneath me always caught my fall.

It taught me belief. I know it's weird, but I apply it to my everyday work i.e. doing reactions. No skepticism allowed not even in my dreams about work! Mostly it works (but comes with a don't try this at home caveat). I mean things don't work just because you believe them...right?
Working in a chemistry lab has taught me however that there exists something which is the equivalent of "bad juju" called the lab gnomes or lab-mates peeing in your reaction problem ( this would of course be very difficult for a woman to do!).
And then there is nothing worse than believing in something all the time and then loosing that belief at a critical point.

After I was grown up a little, my flying dreams continued...I was however taking off in arizona near the canyons. I'd take off with great strength and be soaring and then I'd look underneath me (bad idea since I'm scared of heights) and realize I was over the canyon and loose all faith instantly with no trees underneath!
Fortunately dreams can be woken up from. It's what I'm hoping for with life.
---Megha (03/05/08)
P.S.: Maybe this says something